About the series :
In case the title didn't give it all, Through the Shattered Glass is going to be my Grey Journal. I am going to document my lowest, darkest moments in life. It is also a Journal , but it will only display my darkest days, perhaps even a bit about the aftermath.
******************** Through the Shattered Glass #1 ********************
This is not the post that I wanted to start this series with, but I will feel much accomplished writing this current state of emotion, rather than shuffling through and choosing from one of the old ones. The old posts may give you a clearer view of THIS ( whatever it is ), but then, if I look at the situation again, maybe this the perfect start. Nothing is perfect, that I know. But this is making me finally start this series, and that in its own, is a great accomplishment .
I am mostly annoyed at myself, yet I do nothing to change it. I have been struggling to get out of bed , and do anything but remain still and do nothing. I am annoyed because I get migraine and depression attacks that are so severe & so often , that render me useless for the rest of the day, if not the next few days as well. So why I am struggling to do something as simple as brushing my teeth, cooking myself a meal, and even just reading when I am experiencing none of what I mentioned????
It has become apparent to me that I don't only feel the sudden cloud of sadness and worthlessness side of depression. I am also struggling with the phenomena known as Meh ! Now , I do get this grey feeling before the severity of the depression attack hits me, but this isn't it. It is been around for far too long, and it is surpressing my entire entity .
I want to quote 30STM : " A thousand times that I have said today, today, today ".
Why? Because for the past few weeks, this has been my Mantra! I wake up each day, and say that today is the day I fight back and accomplish something. Each night, I go to bed saying that tomorrow will be the day.
Today, I was able to slay some demons. Not in the elegant , efficient way like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In fact, it was like tripping, falling headfirst , swinging my blade with no reasonable directions, and somehow, I managed to hit the bullseye .
Today, I was able to read.....a lot! I mean, I wasn't the person who was reading; thank God for Alex , the male version of Siri . Together we were able to finish 20% of the book, so although I wasn't out of bed, I was able to accomplish something.
Then I prayed. And for the 1st time in forever, I was able to concentrate and kind of connect with Allah while I was praying. This alone filled the hollow space in my soul with bits of hope. A loud message of "This Meh feeling is only temporary !!!!"
Me: 04 ( because I prayed 3 times in that enchanting way)
I was still unable to cook myself a simple meal such as Pasta, so I caved in and ordered enough food for the rest of the day.
I finally decided to begin this series , so if you are reading this..... I did it !!!!!
I will go now to pray and eat my lunch. If I manage to get some studying done, which I need to do because I have multiple of exams during this upcoming week, that would be amazing! But hey! Even if I fail, at least I won't start from scratch tomorrow; I have already started my "Things to accomplish List", and scratched multiple tasks out of it !
I will beat the fuck out of this SHIT !!!!!!! :D
Till next time,
About the series :
This is going to be a series where I share my stories as a Muslim encountering mostly , normal day to day activities . It is sad that I feel the need to write this, but let it be my way of saying NO to Islamophobia . * Sings Fight Song by Rachel Platten*
Expect everything ; from journal entries, to my opinions on the current events, this series will bare it all. I will probably squeeze in the fact that Allah is God in Arabic, and not actually a demonic thing like people think. * Insert laughing hysterically emoji * * Insert a sad, disappointed emoji*
************************ Yes, I am a Muslim #1 ****************************
"Ayah, here you go . I have filled your University's Internship evaluation form."
I look to find her holding the stapled papers. She gives me my evaluation, pauses to fix her pink scarf, then returns to her office space.
I start by reading the general comment at the end of the evaluation ; it is very positive ! This encourages me to look at the table, which contains detailed information about Technical and Professional skills. It had the following scale :
1= Unsatisfactory 2=Below Average 3= Satisfactory 4=Above Average 5 =Excellent
Out of the 20 questions asked, I only got 7 of the Four , and 5 of the Five. This means that I got total of 8 Satisfactory. Disappointment took over me for a little bit, then I realized something. Something that I believe in and preach people by for many years. What is it , though?
It is the fact that Excellent shouldn't be what you expect to see each time you do something. In school,for example, as long as I feel like I did my very best, and gained a lot of new information, an A was no longer a goal. Because believe it or not,not everyone has the best recalling ability, no matter how much they revise. If everyone was the best at everything they do, then what makes any scaling matter.
The reason why I haven't recognized this as soon as I saw my *Rating??* is because I never got a chance to get such a precise critique for anything work related. School, that is where I practiced my belief, but now, I get to unlock any door that is closed in front of me. It is surprising how such events open my mind towards how other people feel & react. I truly thank Allah for all of these blessings that are covered with misleading, auxiliary labels that might read as ( Don't Open) , but are actually ( I want you to understand more)
My name is Ayah, and I am about to start my senior year in Pharmacy. I have made it so far in such a memorizing based education, although memorization is something that I suck at. I have walked into a cave that has dragons breathing fire with every step I take, but here I am. Still standing; still fighting. Taking their hot flames, and turing them into lanterns to light up my way.
Oh, and I am a ( Meets Expectations ) In Patient pharmacy trainee. Guess what ?
I am proud of it .
I am seriously considering to change the name of this series. I mean , having 5 posts up by the 20th of Ramadan is definitely not " Blogging Daily during Ramadan" !
I am currently working on two other posts. One is about what happened in Orlando, and the other is going to be my review/ theory of the Youtube Series, (Don't Hug Me. I Am Scared).
Anyways, today's post is going to be another poem. I wrote this before today's sunrise .
You've done a lot of great things,
But these simply don't;
No, they really don't,
Shatter your sins towards me !
You are a mortal;
Yes, I know.
And on lust we prone !
But when you decide,
To seek forgiveness ;
Just let it go ;
You don't deserve another 2nd Go.
A human will never be God !
You used up all of your chances ,
And ran out of shots ;
Now go and search for another slot !
When I first started this series, my vision was to record my daily activities during Ramadan. Over the past few days, my vision changed.
Yes, there will be days where I would only upload how I spent my day with lots of pictures, but I want to do something else as well. Sometimes, I experience something through the day that clings to my mind and soul for a while. Whether it is something that I have seen, read, or heard, I want to dedicate my entire post for that specific event.
So expect to see my thoughts on certain current events; as well as, rush of emotions through poetry.
The number on the banner will no longer stand for the day of the month of Ramadan, but the number of the blogpost in this series. I will try as much as possible to mention in the post on which day was I inspired to write this specific piece.
Please feel free to chat with me on anything I share here,
She was hugging her legs,
Using her kneecaps as a pillow ;
People say; "for money she begs,
She is only here to make the green mellow.
No one sees her tired eyes:
No one hears her silent cries.
Everyone ignores the scale in front her;
They never think about the sadness that her eyes spur.
At least she is sitting in a safe haven, I say;
And someone else shall notice her, I pray.
Allah, please chase away her frays!
I am 21 years old Muslim woman who is currently studying pharmacy, and loves to read and write.