About the series :
In case the title didn't give it all, Through the Shattered Glass is going to be my Grey Journal. I am going to document my lowest, darkest moments in life. It is also a Journal , but it will only display my darkest days, perhaps even a bit about the aftermath.
******************** Through the Shattered Glass #1 ********************
This is not the post that I wanted to start this series with, but I will feel much accomplished writing this current state of emotion, rather than shuffling through and choosing from one of the old ones. The old posts may give you a clearer view of THIS ( whatever it is ), but then, if I look at the situation again, maybe this the perfect start. Nothing is perfect, that I know. But this is making me finally start this series, and that in its own, is a great accomplishment .
I am mostly annoyed at myself, yet I do nothing to change it. I have been struggling to get out of bed , and do anything but remain still and do nothing. I am annoyed because I get migraine and depression attacks that are so severe & so often , that render me useless for the rest of the day, if not the next few days as well. So why I am struggling to do something as simple as brushing my teeth, cooking myself a meal, and even just reading when I am experiencing none of what I mentioned????
It has become apparent to me that I don't only feel the sudden cloud of sadness and worthlessness side of depression. I am also struggling with the phenomena known as Meh ! Now , I do get this grey feeling before the severity of the depression attack hits me, but this isn't it. It is been around for far too long, and it is surpressing my entire entity .
I want to quote 30STM : " A thousand times that I have said today, today, today ".
Why? Because for the past few weeks, this has been my Mantra! I wake up each day, and say that today is the day I fight back and accomplish something. Each night, I go to bed saying that tomorrow will be the day.
Today, I was able to slay some demons. Not in the elegant , efficient way like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In fact, it was like tripping, falling headfirst , swinging my blade with no reasonable directions, and somehow, I managed to hit the bullseye .
Today, I was able to read.....a lot! I mean, I wasn't the person who was reading; thank God for Alex , the male version of Siri . Together we were able to finish 20% of the book, so although I wasn't out of bed, I was able to accomplish something.
Then I prayed. And for the 1st time in forever, I was able to concentrate and kind of connect with Allah while I was praying. This alone filled the hollow space in my soul with bits of hope. A loud message of "This Meh feeling is only temporary !!!!"
Me: 04 ( because I prayed 3 times in that enchanting way)
I was still unable to cook myself a simple meal such as Pasta, so I caved in and ordered enough food for the rest of the day.
I finally decided to begin this series , so if you are reading this..... I did it !!!!!
I will go now to pray and eat my lunch. If I manage to get some studying done, which I need to do because I have multiple of exams during this upcoming week, that would be amazing! But hey! Even if I fail, at least I won't start from scratch tomorrow; I have already started my "Things to accomplish List", and scratched multiple tasks out of it !
I will beat the fuck out of this SHIT !!!!!!! :D
Till next time,
About the series :
This is going to be a series where I share my stories as a Muslim encountering mostly , normal day to day activities . It is sad that I feel the need to write this, but let it be my way of saying NO to Islamophobia . * Sings Fight Song by Rachel Platten*
Expect everything ; from journal entries, to my opinions on the current events, this series will bare it all. I will probably squeeze in the fact that Allah is God in Arabic, and not actually a demonic thing like people think. * Insert laughing hysterically emoji * * Insert a sad, disappointed emoji*
************************ Yes, I am a Muslim #1 ****************************
"Ayah, here you go . I have filled your University's Internship evaluation form."
I look to find her holding the stapled papers. She gives me my evaluation, pauses to fix her pink scarf, then returns to her office space.
I start by reading the general comment at the end of the evaluation ; it is very positive ! This encourages me to look at the table, which contains detailed information about Technical and Professional skills. It had the following scale :
1= Unsatisfactory 2=Below Average 3= Satisfactory 4=Above Average 5 =Excellent
Out of the 20 questions asked, I only got 7 of the Four , and 5 of the Five. This means that I got total of 8 Satisfactory. Disappointment took over me for a little bit, then I realized something. Something that I believe in and preach people by for many years. What is it , though?
It is the fact that Excellent shouldn't be what you expect to see each time you do something. In school,for example, as long as I feel like I did my very best, and gained a lot of new information, an A was no longer a goal. Because believe it or not,not everyone has the best recalling ability, no matter how much they revise. If everyone was the best at everything they do, then what makes any scaling matter.
The reason why I haven't recognized this as soon as I saw my *Rating??* is because I never got a chance to get such a precise critique for anything work related. School, that is where I practiced my belief, but now, I get to unlock any door that is closed in front of me. It is surprising how such events open my mind towards how other people feel & react. I truly thank Allah for all of these blessings that are covered with misleading, auxiliary labels that might read as ( Don't Open) , but are actually ( I want you to understand more)
My name is Ayah, and I am about to start my senior year in Pharmacy. I have made it so far in such a memorizing based education, although memorization is something that I suck at. I have walked into a cave that has dragons breathing fire with every step I take, but here I am. Still standing; still fighting. Taking their hot flames, and turing them into lanterns to light up my way.
Oh, and I am a ( Meets Expectations ) In Patient pharmacy trainee. Guess what ?
I am proud of it .
Olivia, time is almost over due."
I open my eyes to see how gloomy this place is. Hearing a voice no matter how serene, without seeing a figure frightens me. My right arm starts throbbing, and the walls of darkness start spinning around me. I hold my right arm closer to my chest , and run my fingers over a scar on my wrist.
A shadow suddenly appears right in front of me. The face is covered , but from the unusual hair style hanging outside the hood, I can tell that she is a woman. She reached for my right hand , causing electricity to spark in every inch of my body. I feel like I have zero gravity , that is when I realized that feet has left the ground. I was flying, no, levitating ! The wind suddenly starts blowing, as if it was generated from this supernatural electric spark.
The hood covering the Shadow's face dances right and left, leaving half of her face uncovered. She looks at me with those purple eyes , then her black lips speak the following words
"Remember Olivia, the past is not what it seems to be."
As soon as she let goes of my hand, the city of nothing that I am surrounded by starts to be sucked into this gigantic black hole.
Gravity pulls my numb body along, leaving me entrapped between screaming out of terror and shouting out my questions .
I decided to give it a shot and shout " Who are you ,why do you look oddly familiar , and what do you mean by vague past" .
I feel like I have been thrown out as the black hole sucks me in , and I end up falling on my bed.
I sit up straight and look through the window to spot the moon ruling the sky. I wipe the sweat droplets on my forehead and try to make sense of the dream I just had. The door slams open and I see a worried look on my mother's face as she runs toward me to hold me in her arms.
"Did you have another bad dream, Olivia?" she asks.
"I guess so, but I can't remember anything" I had to lie to her.
My mother goes mad when I bring up anything mystical. I always seem to let my imagination get the best of me, in other words, I get lost in the fairy tale stories and end up thinking it was real. My dreams always give me a reason to do so.The frown on my mother's face is still there, so I draw a smile and reassure her that I am okay. She finally sighs , kisses me goodnight, and leaves my room.
As soon as the door is shut, I tip toe to my door and wait until I hear my mom shutting her bedroom's door. I run back to my bed , sit on the cold porcelain floor, and roll under my bed. I start exploring the edge of my bed, which is almost glued to the wall with my hands, knocking every second until I reach it. An area that feels hollow . My fingers runs over a small hole. I whisper "Got you" as I pull the wooden piece and uncover a small note book and a small pen. I have been keeping track of my strange dreams ever since I learned how to write, and even before that. I used to draw anything I could remember from my dreams. However, during that time I did not have a place to hide all of these things. My mother used to burn them in the fireplace, and tell me that I should never think or be fascinated by the magical realm. She finds magic stupid and vague, but the only thing that I have towards it is curiosity .
I start recording what I saw in my dream, and then start going through my previous entries. I have been having a theory, and I have awaited this day to prove it. On the first of July, I always get to see an extra feature of the Shadow. The creepy thing is ,the first of July is actually my birthday. This year, I saw her Purple eyes, which is such an exquisite feature. I have never seen anyone with purple eyes before. At least, not a regular human being . Last year, I saw her blue bangs. There must be some kind of a logical explanation that links between my birthday date and the revelation of a new feature of the shadow. I return my note back to its secret place, and go back to bed. The sun will rise soon , and I want to be ready for my 15th birthday party.
I wake up to the sound of my singing mother and my 2 years old sister. I smile as they approach me and try to fix my hair because I know that my mother will suddenly take a picture of me, and she does. I blow the candles on my birthday cake, and give each of them a huge kiss. I wish dad was here today; He passed away last year after giving me the best present ever. My very own Horse; he named her Fidel. I still remember the day he left the living world. I was sitting beside him while the doctor took my mother outside their room to tell her that there is nothing to do to save him from the plague. Dad's last words were the most bizarre thing that I have ever heard.
" Olivia , Fidel is no ordinary horse. She is bound to you in ways you could never imagine. She is , and always will be loyal to you. Take her with you wherever you go, and she will always guard you. Do not tell your mother that I read you fairy tales before bedtime; she gets very upset when such a subject is brought up."
I started sobbing in a low voice because I didn't want to upset him. I just want him to stay here with me as much longer as possible.
"Don't cry dear child, you have such a great future ahead of you. Take this" He hands me a necklace with the a strange looking pendant.
It looked like a sailing hook where one half was wrapped with spines, and the other was coated with that eye-catching violet color.
"Wow, these look expensive dad. It is lovely, thanks .You did not have to get them." Tears are now raining down my cheeks.
"Only the best for my daughter, I know that I won't be here next year, but I wanted to give you an early 15th birthday gift. Remember, with time the truth will be revealed, and no matter what happen, promise me that you face what you may have always feared."
He stops talking, stops breathing, shut his eyes , and dive into an eternal sleep. I remember crying for weeks after his death. I remember trying to analyze what he told me. I wrote it down , read it, and still I could not understand anything.
"Olivia, you can't be serious. It is your 15th birthday, and you are still in bed" Selena shouts outside my window room.
My mom heads towards our porch door, and welcomes Selena with a warm hug. Selena marches to my room, grabs my cake plate, and finishes it up herself.
"Um, hello, birthday girl here. Should not I be the one eating the entire cake" I say with a laugh. She places a hand on her hips while scanning my closet , then grabs my old ripped jeans with a pick blouse to go with it.
"That is because you are slow like hell. Now got get ready, you and I will pick up Patrick , then go to the Carnival"
I start stuttering."The Ca-ca –r, sorry did you just say the Carnival ?"
The Carnival tickets are so expensive and none of us can actually afford it.
"Yes , is not that amazing. We have been all saving for this for a while now. Patrick, your mother, even your father and I have been planning for this day for two years now".
I can't believe they have done all of this for me, and my sweet father, he did not just give me an expensive necklace and a unique horse, but also a day to remember at the Carnival.
"Can I go too", my sister Rosie is pulling my mother's dress.
"Sorry dear, you are too young to attend. But do not worry , I have planned a couple of fun activities for you and me to do today" mother says as she reaches out and carries her.
After I get dressed, we ride Fidel, go to Patrick's house, and from there , we head to the Carnival. A giant guy stamps our right wrists, and let us enter. He looks so weird; I don't think that it is normal for a person to be that huge. His beard is braided , and his head is shaved and tattooed . Apparently , no one else notices anything weird about him, so I just keep my superficial comments to myself. We start admiring all of what is around us, from acrobatic to magic "Trick" shows. I must be hallucinating, cause every time I look a person in the eye, the lady with purple eyes appears for a second. I stop and take a deep breath; I should not let my imagination affect my reality. Patrick and Selena walk towards me with concern.
"Are you okay," Selena asks.
"Yea, I am fine. It must be my Asthma acting out "
"Oh, that must be from all of the people smoking and grilling out here. Let us climb that hill. Its peak touches the skies, so the breeze must be refreshing."
"Sounds great " I say and we all start walking towards the hill.
I prevent making any eye contact with anyone and try to focus. There is a fine line between my imagination and reality, and today is not a good time to cross it!
As we reach the peak, I forget about everything and just enjoy my time with my best friends. But being me, happiness only lasts for so long. I suddenly trip over a small rock , and I start rolling down the hill. The weird thing is that I can hear my screams, but I don't hear anyone holler behind me. I finally reach the flat ground, but I am still rolling quickly from the speed I was falling from. Nausea overwhelms me and there is nothing that I can do to stop myself rather than wishing to bump into something. Prayer answered, I let out a groan as I crash into one of the wooden sticks holding a small tent. Luckily for its owner, the tent does not collapse, but for me, my right arm hurts a lot. I am unable to stand up because the sky, and the ground seems to be collaging into one thing. My head is till spinning and having a throbbing arm does not help.
A tall woman emerges out of the tent, and I catch her staring at my chest. I look down to see that the necklace my dad has given me is exposed. I was wearing it under my blouse; it must have jumped out when I fell.
"What a lovely pendant, where did you get it from" she asks.
"It was a gift from my father. Sorry for bothering you ,I just fell from up there ;my friends must be on their way to help me."
"I do not see anyone, why do not you come in and I will help you with your arm".
I look behind me, and I see that they are no longer standing on the hill. Where did they go, and why did they leave me. This lady seem nice, but by how she dress, I think she is a seer.
She is wearing shades to cover her eyes. I heard they have funny looking eyes. Her aquatic hair rolls down until her hips with perfect wavy ends. I hesitate before asking, but then I go for it.
"Are you a Seer?"
A genuine smile forms on her lips, she gives me her hand to help me up and says
" Yes, now come in . I have a lot to tell you Olivia."
I know that I kind of guessed that she was a seer, but still, hearing a name from her startled me. This is either a dream, or a concussion effect cause last time I checked, seers exist only in stories. The inside of the tent is huge, and I see her noticing my astonished drawn all over my face. She answers me before I even ask her.
"A wizard once owned me a favor, and I cashed it out on this. An infinite protected space on a small piece of real land."
She walks toward me holding a piece of metal that looks just like my pendant.
"This looks just like my pendant; is this some kind of a symbol or something ?"
She does not answer me. She walks to the counter, sterilizes the metal, and asks me to give her my wrist. I give it to her out of curiosity , and watched her place it on my right wrist. As soon as it touches my skin, electricity flows into my entire body and I get this sensation that feels so familiar . The room is suddenly so dark , and my body goes cold. I hold my right arm , and stroke my scar. How could this be possible? She suddenly approaches me, and I take off her shades. Oh shit, she has purple eyes. This could mean that I have either lost my mind, or aged a year overnight. I do not make the same mistake of wasting time , I say what is in my mind directly .
"I think I have seen you in my dreams before, but you look kind of different."
She releases a smile that I think she has been holding for a while."Because it is not me. She is a seer, but not me" My wrist has a tingly feeling;I look at my it and see the symbol engraved on it.
" Your dreams have a meaning, and their messenger is someone that you know very well. You are no ordinary child, dear. You are supposed to bring back the light. There is a reason why you have skipped that last few fights. You were left here to be our guide."
I take a moment to admire the poetic music, then burst into laughter.
"I am sorry, but this sounds like bullshit to me. I know that what is going on with me is not normal, but I am definitely not a guide to anyone. My horse Fidel is actually the person who brought me here. She knows the streets better than I do."
" You have no clue of what you are! Come with me, I want to show you something."
She guides me into a corridor that seems to be endless, each side having an infinite number of doors.
She stands in front of one ,and opens it. I suddenly see the woman from my dreams, holding a beautiful baby, and crying in her husband's arm. I stand gaping, this cannot be real, this man looks just like my dad. But instead of a bald head, his hair was brown like mine. He also wore a crown. The seer closes the door and takes me into her arms. I am sobbing and I do not know why; remembering my dad always make me cry, but who is that woman with him, and where is that baby.
"You are a daughter of a royal wizard and the highest Seer of all time, who is also my teacher. All seers have purple eyes and aquatic hair, this is why I looked oddly similar to her"
I am still speechless, so she carries on explaining.
"A few of us know about this earth, even though we co exist together, any excess from either worlds should happen through a portal. Each door represents a different timeline or dimension, which is guarded by yours truly. 14 years ago, a wicked witch took our beautiful land and destroyed it. She was so powerful that no one could stop her. As a seer , your mother knew that this was going to happen a couple of years before it actually happened and the only one to stop that wicked witch was going to be an offspring of a Seer and a wizard. She went to the king, your father, and they decided to get married for the sake of our land. "
"So I was brought here to live away from the chaos in the name of fixing everything later" I ask as Fidel suddenly merges into the tent and stands beside the Seer
"Olivia, I am sorry , but we are running out of time . I will send you to our Physic, he has the knowledge of almost everything . He will be training and preparing you. "
"What, no I still have a lot to ask. Where is my real mother, whom was I staying with all this time? I bet she is worried right now"
" Just like we inhabit this world, we can also inhabit bodies. The reason no one came after you is because you never left that place. The real Olivia is finally in control of her body, and you now look like a child of a wizard and a seer."
I stare at the mirror to see my long wavy brown hair and my purple eyes. I ride my horse and we enter the portal. This might all be a dream, but I ride Fidel, and into the portal we walk. I may not be a hero , but I am curious !
I am 21 years old Muslim woman who is currently studying pharmacy, and loves to read and write.